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It's those small surges of excitement that keep me cross dressing, thoselittle moments where I'm suddenly struck by how feminine something makesme feel.Still I won't say I'm transgender.Truth is, I probably am transgender. I don't know if I'll ever admit it.I'm not sure I even know what it really means.These are the best years of my life, that's true, but now I've finisheduniversity and I'm supposed to be getting on in my life, but I can't. I'mavoiding putting all my energy into finding a job even though my studentloan is running out and I need to pay rent. The pressure keeps building,but my job search continues to be slow and picky process, applying foronly a few promising things and naively believing I'll be selected.I'm incredibly lazy, that's true, but at the same time I feel like eachday I'm willing myself to die, so I don't have to carry on with thisgender struggle.These are my best years, but in a way they are as bad as some of my worstyears. This has happened before, before I. Gosman re-read her files, which were spread out on his desktop.Occasionally he would reference the files from her husband's, John, office visit the previous day.DeeDee also had problems dealing with black people. It seems that it originated in her earlier years, just about the time her father died and her mother had to take the responsibility of raising her by herself.From what he was reading, DeeDee's father had died in a hunting accident and her mother had to hire outside family in order to harvest the crops that year. All she'd been able to hire were some 8 or 9 black men, who readily harvested the corps and then waited to be paid for their efforts. Once they had been paid one of the men had demanded more pay, saying that the woman had promised them more then they received.DeeDee had been 15 at the time, so he was quite certain that her memories of the event were as accurate as they could be, considering the trauma she'd suffered just after that demand.It seems that once the men.
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