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But I usually don't have these types of dreams. The ones where I wake up in the middle of the night feeling guilty, ashamed, and incredibly wet. Guilty because my boyfriend would be gently asleep next to me, unaware what filled my dreams. Ashamed because, well, I love sex. I love the way it feels when my boyfriend pushes deep inside of me, the way he touches me, kisses me, and whispers how much he loves me. I love it when he spanks me. I love it when he takes control of me. But I grew up with high moral standards and southern Christian summer camps. Dirty words weren't uttered, heard, or thought. Even now, at twenty-one, I hate the word pussy. I hate the word cock. I feel repulsed at vulgarity. I don't even know why. It makes me talking dirty to my boyfriend as he fucks me needlessly grueling as I make sweet sounding synonyms of body parts and obscene actions –– I'm okay with fuck, it has enough different uses that it seems innocuous. But other than that, I simply can't move past. The Gondola was a two to four seat carriage ride that is suspended in the air high off the ground. I saw it and thought “That’s where I need to take her, i can talk to her”. I was so filled with elation that we were walking around together, maybe she finally thought of me as something other than a pest. I started to strut with a sense of confidence. I think Lisa noticed it. We got on line and when it came our turn, we took our own car. It was very exciting. We sat on opposite sides of the car. “Hey you think we can see Dad from here?” I asked. “Not until we get up high enough” She answered. I got down on the floor of the car “hey you wanna wrestle?” I wanted to make it as innocent a question as I could. She took her handbag off her shoulder and slowly climbed off the seat to where I was. “Ooomigod” I thought. She really is going to wrestle with me. I put my hands on her shoulders and she shrugged ‘em off. “Get real” and she reached into her bag and took out a joint. “Wanna spark up?”.
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