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In that moment of determination, she wanted to find reassurance that she was not dreaming, that what was happening was real. She told her friends that she was not going to have an affair, she knew herself better than that. But this, what they were, was not about lust. Almost from the moment she met him, she wanted to know what it was to kiss him, to be held by him. She was certain it could not be lust — the only lust she has ever known was hot, and prickly, and waned with orgasm. This desire for him was like nothing else. Anger, endearment, confusion and dismissal ran course through her mind. The only power she to fight her desire for him was fear…not about her husband finding out, but about this married man refusing her. She did not know his feelings and the possibility of rejection wounded her. With this fear, she could restrain herself from ravishing him. The desire for him grew, despite her motivations to get rid of these feelings for this man she should not want. The unspoken. Eventually, we were sated. I licked my sticky juices off her fingers as she sucked mine like a little cock. I pulled up and buttoned my jeans. She curled up and slept with her head in my lap, like a little girl. Before I too went to sleep, I wrote my phone number down on the back of my bus ticket receipt, and slipped it into her handbag.When my eyes opened again, we were in Dayton, and the bus was unloading. The harsh glare of the fluorescents hurt my eyes. I had left a big wet spot on the seat. Mistko and I got off the bus and headed in separate directions. I hoped she might call that week, but she never did. I masturbated many times to that night, until it took on a dreamlike quality, and I was almost unsure whether it had really happened or not. Fast forward seven years. I am living by myself in a studio apartment in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, working as a freelancer, and balancing the knife edge between poverty and relative affluence. For the first time in my life, I’m not.
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