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. admires him. He takes his job seriously, approaches BEAR’s with solemn consequentiality, treats everyone under him with courteous formality.He makes me smile.“She’s long gone with her red shoes on”... I don’t know why, but the Allison Krause version of that lullaby made me think of a woman in a flimsy summer dress — during the Depression — walking away from her family. Haunting line.And, these days, it reminded me of myself. I couldn’t hide the headaches from Walker and Pilar anymore. The pain was sudden and searing. They didn’t hit me every day, but they struck without warning. Waiting, worrying, was almost as bad as the headache itself.I had to tell the kids about my Elmont fuck-up. About being caught and drugged. With an unknown substance. Walker was doing his best, but he couldn’t mask his fright, his worry, his terror.Best to confront everything head-on.We were sitting at our kitchen table. I held Walker’s hand; Vanessa, Pilar’s. I said, ‘I went through the regular drill —. “How long?” she asked after a pause.I took a deep breath.“I think I realised about four years ago.” I told her.“Oh my poor child, you’ve kept this to yourself for four years!”I nodded unable to speak.“Why didn’t you tell me love?”I sat back on my heels and looked at her, I could see only love and acceptance in her face.“I guess I was worried that you wouldn’t understand, would hate me for it.” I said, knowing it was silly.Mum smiled wryly, “I was young once remember, I had a crush on a girl when I was at school, but it faded when I got interested in the boys, I guess that didn’t happen for you?”“No it’s only gotten worse.”“You’ve got to tell her love.” Mum said at last, she helped me back to my seat and made me a coffee.“I don’t think I can mum,” I said as I held my coffee cup. “I know I’m never going to be with her, but I don’t want to risk loosing her.”We talked all night, mum made me promise to give up my slut act, and I did. It seemed a bit easier to bear now that someone else.
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