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That I was the problem for being upset about it. That we could all be friends if I would just stop being upset and find someone else to fill the gaps for me too. That people aren’t meant to be monogamous. That he didn’t believe any one person could be everything you need. To my shame, I tried. I tried to live with it. I tried to be happy with what I got. I don’t know how at this point. But I did. For seven long months. The most painful issue was that throughout the process, every time I would stand up for what I needed, he would emotionally blackmail me into some new agreement. Always putting her feelings first. Never mine. While still claiming he loved me and wanted his life with me. Using our child as leverage, using our finances and the fact that he could walk away and leave me hanging with everything as leverage, telling me I was being cruel and taking away the one thing that made him happy. After a while I couldn’t make excuses for his behavior anymore. I couldn’t tell myself. I didn't think Kirsty would be up to walking through the dark back to the tent. I wasn't even sure how she would react to the tent. The best course of action was probably to stay here for the night and to build up this fire."I need to get some things from my camp," I told her. "I will be back in a few minutes."Her eyes watched me fearfully as I turned and walked back towards my camp. I stooped to pick up my binos on the way and when I reached the tent, I grabbed my pack and sleeping bag and returned to her. She eyed the rucksack and sleeping bag curiously and when I unzipped the bag there was a look of wonder in her eyes. I told her to get in the bag and she nervously slipped inside but wouldn't let me zip it up again. She almost seemed scared that she would be trapped inside.I left her there and walked round the campsite to drag more wood in to feed the fire. Dragging the bodies of the dead men off into the darkness out of the firelight, I worked the spear loose and cleaned the.
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