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I was upside-down again. My heart started racing and all I could think about was tonight when the lights went out. The acknowledgement of what we were doing made me feel weird. It made it real. I didn't like it seeming real. I felt exposed. It didn't stop me though.The lights went out and we started to do our thing. The lotion felt really good. I was getting into it when the lights came on.I froze, he said,"can we leave the lights on tonight?"This was the first time I really got a good look at him, hard and lubed up. I knew I wanted this but I had become comfortable with things the way they were. Everything had changed. I didn't answer, I just continued jerking myself off while he sat back down on his bed facing me. His staring at me while he was jerking himself was electric. He was totally into it. This was a whole new level. Although I knew it before, somehow I was able to deny that we were getting off on each other. That even though we weren't touching each other... fuck! I. But J.B. had a different take! He felt alienated, as if there was something wrong with him that I couldn't keep him with me.We wound up agruing about it. He would claim that I failed to make the sacrifices that all parents make to BE parents. I argued that THIS industry was different, that it demands a model's looks, a whore's personality, and a drive to succeed because of all the competition there is.During the more vocal parts of our exchange, I called J.B. a whiny little bastard, forgetting that he literally WAS one, not just figuratively.It put a wedge between us that lasted for quite a while.In an attempt to make amends, I prepared to have J.B. come home with me, but then dad died. After the funeral, I realized that mom needed J.B. around her for security and companionship.But, I suppose losing her husband made her lose some inner will, and she passed away within the next year.I was there when she died, J.B. crying in my arms, wondering why life sucked so much, right then.I never.
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