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All mothers want to control their children. In infancy, it is essential that they do so, but infancy does not last forever. The struggle of children to free themselves from their parents', usually their mothers', control is universal. The skill and sensitivity with which mothers cede that control as the child matures has much to do with the quality of the life-long relationship.Arlene's unwillingness to yield even reasonable control to Sarah had probably ruined any chance for a close relationship as adults. Sarah had already declared, in an angry outburst, that when she was eighteen she would be living with Dan.A strong control drive often manifests itself as obsessive-compulsive tendencies. Housekeeping, personal grooming, household finances; Arlene did all of those things marvelously well, and without seeming obsessive, either. In her mind, she had also done a wonderful job of mothering Sarah. Suddenly, she no longer had control, meaning to her that she was failing her mothering. "Maybe I'll tell you about it another time," I said. "I believe that you had something to tell me? Why do you want to know the intimate details of your mother's sex life?" I've been thinking about that, and it's a little hard to explain," she started slowly, hesitating at each thought. "I think it's because I feel I am very much like my mother. There are three of us here, but it seems like Mom and me are one person, the same personality, and Helen is someone completely different." Go on," I said."For as long as I can remember, my mother has not been really happy. I'm not trying to say that she was the depressed, moping person, but she hasn't really had a spark. Helen had that spark. When she wasn't fighting with Mom, she was out having a good time, and she seemed like she was happy most of the time."I don't think that I have that spark, either. I don't have fun like Helen does. I have friends, but no one really close. I looked at my mother and I thought, 'Am I going to be like that.
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