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What if I never could compare? You loved my mind, my personality, how well I knew you. You thought I was beautiful, but if the sex wasn’t good the marriage was doomed. Even worse, what if you hated the way I looked naked? I didn’t think I could survive you leaving me. I pulled the blanket tighter around me and then wondered how it got there. I stopped to mentally survey everything around me, I felt tears on my cheeks, the blanket covering my slightly shaking body, and your arms around me. Your arms around me! Your lips were nestled against my hair, just biding your time waiting for me to acknowledge your presence. You felt me sigh against you and you took the opportunity to pull me into your lap. You took your time, readjusting the blanket around me, around us, smoothing my hair, and holding me close to your warm, bare chest. After a little bit, you asked me, ‘My love, what’s wrong?’ ‘Nothing.’ ‘I know you better than that. Try again.’ ‘Don’t worry about me, I’m fine.’ ‘I leave my. ”As she quit talking the scene shifted and I was sitting in that all too familiar and despised hospital room. My beautiful Laura, the love of my life, the rock I relied on so much, was lying in the hospital bed. I was sitting next to her holding her shriveled hand as she lay unconscious. I’d been thinking about the last thirty years and everything I’d hidden away from her, about what had happened out in the Iraqi desert. Well, more accurately, I was thinking about what hiding everything away from her had done to our relationship. We were still close, we still loved each other deeply, but I had walled a major part of myself off from her, afraid that I would lose her trust and more importantly her love if she ever found out what I’d done. Of the monster I had been that I knew I was still capable of becoming.Now, as I faced losing her completely, it all came to the surface. My body heaved as tears welled in my eyes, and I started talking, unable to hold it in any longer. I told her about.
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