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I know better than that, now.“When I undressed that first day of school, I was naked. I was vulnerable. I was terrified by that vulnerability. I was ashamed of my body. I didn’t like that others could see that I had an erection.“When I looked around, I saw a hundred people standing there ashamed and afraid. Some people were terrified that they’d give in to their lusts and passions of the moment. It didn’t take long for those negative emotions to be replaced by something different.“I think that it was about a week after class started that I realized people were once again looking at each other in the eyes, rather than off to the side or staring at the sexual equipment of others. The fear of having their bodies on view had begun to die. Nakedness was being replaced by nudity.“Before I made that realization, it never dawned on me that when you are undressed, you are nude and not naked. You aren’t vulnerable. You aren’t ashamed. You just are.”Betsy nodded her head, but didn’t say. But what happened later ... there was no logic, no common sense, no reason that he could see. He’d heard her reasons, and they seemed plain enough, but they also seemed tremendously out of character. All the times and ways I fantasized about how I might seduce her or she might seduce me ... not once did it ever play out like that. It was either more serious, romantic, and controlled, or it was an explosion of passion in the heat of a vulnerable moment. Last night seemed like a consolation prize.Threads of meaning, or at least of comparison and context, wrapped themselves around the raw memory. Of nights in bars, meeting someone, leaving together, retreating to an apartment, beginning the slow dance towards union ... and then the woman disappearing into the bathroom for an unusually long time, reappearing with the unfortunate news that certain activities were off the table due to the unexpectedly early arrival of a complicating factor. On occasion, this led to a compensatory blowjob.
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