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I canrecall taking an action figure and stealing Barbie clothes fromneighboring girls to dress him in. Sadly, about the time when I might havereally been able to start sorting me out, I was exposed to a rapist, andspent two years in Hell.Part of what happened to me was he justified his attacks on me because ofmy feminine side. He made me so afraid of my desire to be female that iburied it until I was approaching puberty. Then the sense of wrongness,the horrible feeling that somehow, I was going in the wrong directionbecame overwhelming. But I kept it hidden as best as I could.Then I became a Christian. This made my conflict even stronger, as I wasinducted into a conservative branch of the faith, and felt sure that myneed for the feminine was a sin. This lead to a cycle of "binging" -getting girl clothes and trying to be as female as I could, followed byguilt and "purging" where I would get rid of everything, only to start upagain a week later, or even sooner.Not only that, I suffered. " What then?" I'm in the movie business." You own a cinema — as well as the taxis." Not quite." What then?" Me and Kenny... we make movies."She thinks she understands but wants to hear him say it: "What type of movies?" The blue type. We're always on the lookout for talented girls, and you're one heck of a talented girl."She thinks of what this could mean. And then hates herself for even going there."I could never do something like that," she says."Oh come on, luv, after last night's little performance I would say you were born to it." No, not that. What I mean is... I mean I could never be filmed doing sex; someone I know might see me." That would never happen with our little setup. Export only, see. We have an extremely lucrative arrangement with a distributor in the States. They just love British accents over there, can't get enough of our English roses creaming their knickers while begging for it. In fact, I only got back from New York last night after clinching our biggest deal.
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