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To fill the gap I harbour in my soul seems pointless — neither family member nor any person on this earth can change the way I am. Death seems to be my only solution- my only escape and yet fate has not allowed me to leave this place and, I haven't the courage to do so myself. Invisibility would be a gift and yet the only thing I wish for lies within the bounds of impossibility.I want to disappear from the life I live and find another, I want to leave all those I know forever. I know myself better than any other and I know that I lack the capacity for truly endearing emotions. I love pain and danger yet I feel incapable of love and innocence. My life is a shadow of anger — I'm drowning in rage and disgust for myself. My entire being is an imposition.Water: an undeniably relaxing element. When I feel it swish against me at the beach, when it knocks me under it's surface with powerful surges and when it falls relentlessly from the sky I feel calm — as if my problems have disappeared if. I also still have that problem, by the way. Yep, I'm 57 and for some reason, I still produce too much sperm. It never went away. I know you noticed it the first time we fucked in your room at that share house, and you kept wiping your smoo and commenting on how many tissues it required, but it didn't really become apparent until the first time you suggested I fuck your tits. You were having a period and I had a horn, and you lubed up your cleavage and said "Slide in here". I was used to big fat pillow tits that you can really fuck and lose your cock in, but yours were medium sized and firm, and I really needed to press them together. It meant I could actually see what my cock was doing, and when I came, you were horrified. The first lot went up your nose. As you recoiled and said "Oh!", the second spurt went mostly in your mouth, and the rest went in you hair and on the wall near the bed.You were very understanding because it was a problem that never went away. Do you remember when.
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