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He was in fact, correct. In my heart, I had killed God. Nobody is home or on the throne.It’s a liberating, yet lonely thought. All my life, I have been told of a loving Father which is an image I clung to as I never had one. The Christian faith is burned deep into my soul/mind and even though I have no “faith” I still find comfort in it’s familiarity. I’m also Heathen and find comfort in the sagas of my ancestors and the images of Freyja, sweet Sunna, and Hel. The Disir I adore. What’s interesting is faith or no faith I’m observant enough to know that there’s things that go bump in the night that a .357 won’t do nothing for. They don’t depend on your frame of mind. They just are.The upshot is I decided to quit being angry. There’s no sense in being angry at myself for being unable to do the impossible. I’m happier. My problems still suck but I don’t feel a maelstrom tearing me apart. I can focus on healing and if that’s not possible I can focus on enjoying what time I have left as. Being small in stature, naturally I was expected to be one of therunning victims. The first time we played, I learned we were allowedtwo minutes or so to run away and hide. Then the captors would thenchase after us for the capture. I didn't know the woods well, so I ranbut was quickly caught by a boy about 14. He said, "new kids are alwayseasy to catch, so I knew I could get you." He held my hands behind myback and pushed me towards his fort. It was a dugout depression withbraches built up to make it more secluded.He pushed me in and told me to stand with my hands behind my back. Hetied my wrists very tightly with my palms facing in so my elbows wereforced straight. Then he shoved me only a stack of pine needles andtold me to put my ankles together which he also tied with rope. He toldme not to try to escape because if I did and he caught me, he wouldpunish me in some way. Then he left to find another captive.I was in heaven and very aroused. I rolled over on my stomach and beganto.
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