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Until the river was swept into the ocean of all women who cry and bleed and live without ever knowing why or how, or for what the pain of their existence is all for. Watching myself grow rounder, fuller…feeling the life within me that brought with it fear and hope and complete uncertainty. Knowing as I know my own name that nothing could ever change what was happening to me…not knowing if I really wanted it to change at all. People watching me, people whispering…their eyes burning like demon fire. God how I wish they could walk for one day knowing what I know, feeling what I feel, feeling that life within me as it lives and moves and grows. I stare back to unsettle them, unblinking, unforgiving. They look away but the whispering continues. I have no one to whisper to. I have lost again and look away with eyes full of remorse and hurt and that glint of fear. Fear of the pain? No…more accurately described as fear of failure. What kind of mother will I be? Hands explore a surface so. I was happy with just Carl. Finally I started bringing your father to my apartment and I became pregnant. We got married and you arrives six months later.”“Jesus, that sucks.” Then I blushed as I thought of what I just said.Mom bore down on me. “Not with David. I married the most straight-laced man in town. He actually thinks necking is perverted and racy. Also he is not the most sexual man I have ever been with. In fact he drove me back to Carl. At fifty-six, Carl has more sex drive than your dad when he was twenty.”“Ah,” I tried to tell her I was not interested in hearing how some guy gave my mother great orgasms. In my worldview, moms, sisters and other close relatives are not candidates to become fuck buddies.There were those who thought different, but not me. Hey, I was well aware Connie Nelson and her brother Ray screwed like rabbits all the time. They admitted it. There were a couple of others I was suspicious of, but none of that for me. Norma Jean Horton gave me and a few.
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