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Nothing but what HEhas told me to feel. I do nothing except what HE tells me to do. I amonly a toy, and as I must make sure to remind myself in so many waysthat this is, after all, all my fault.My instructions before each Visit are very clear, and I follow themwithout thinking. Thinking is something people do, and as I said, I amonly a toy. I must prepare myself as HE has told me to before I enter HISdoor. At one time, that was a hard task for me, but not now. The flickers ofshame and disgust at myself I experience are permitted, so long as theydon't prevent me from completing my task.My mother smiles at me as she drops me off. She has no idea what goes oninside. Nor can I tell her. How could a nine-year-old boy tell his motherhe is evil?It has been two years since my first Visit, but I cannot recall most ofthem, except in short flashes. I do know that today's Visit is supposedto be special. something that HE has been preparing for since HE firstlearned what I am.HE brings. Chu said that everything is on him tonight. He asked that I do everything that I can to make sure that you enjoy yourself tonight."As Mr. Simmons walked away Roger wondered what his real name was. Simmons was not a Chinese name and Mr. Simmons was obviously Of Chinese descent. Roger and Lei sat and talked for a while and slowly sipped their drinks. As the music started for the next song Roger stood and put out his hand to invite Lei to accompany his to the dance floor.It was a slow dance and they danced and talked. They danced almost every dance the rest of the night. Lei was a very good dancer. Roger was proud of himself; he didn't step on her toes one time.About one o'clock Simmons came to the table, "We'll be closing soon. I'll hold the band over for you. Feel free to stay as long as you want."Roger looked at Lei and she shook her head, "No, I think we'll be leaving. I appreciate the hospitality that we've been shown tonight. I'll make sure that Mr. Chu knows that you have honored.
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