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She reached behind her and undid the clasp. I reached up, fingers sliding under the cups, and freed her breasts. She laid the bra with the top on the table. She straddled me. She leaned in toward me. ‘No,’ I said, holding her back. ‘I want to look at you.’ How odd and pleasant it was to see her grinding confidence slide into watched demureness, the little awkwardness of a girl still within a woman. I cherished the sight of her. I cherished every curve. I cherished every freckle. I cherished the tell-tale streaks our baby, now this year beginning college, had left on her belly and her breasts. Now, here in the firelight it all seemed more magical. The soft glow of her. That radiance I had always seen within now shown without. And yet as her eyes coyly sought mine, I could not help but see the questions. Had her curves grown too full? Was she still pretty? Did I still find her as attractive now as I did then? Women are too filled with doubts and men are too quiet or stupid to quell. There seems something entirely ‘right’ about all this, something that I can’t even explain. That's in large part because explanations are always utilitarian, rational, and based on principles of acquisition, self-justification, and the universally agreed upon value of survival. What I'm doing here has nothing to do with any of these sensible daytime pursuits. What I'm doing is gambling everything (yes, even my life) for a moment of ecstasy—the ecstasy of losing everything for nothing. Nothing, that is, but the thrill of absolute surrender.It’s sexual, to be sure, but not just physically; in fact, one would be hard-pressed to find any signs of physical arousal in my current state. I remember how some twenty minutes before, Master took the stocking I handed him, wrapped one end around each of his fists, and pulled it taut, just as a killer does in the movies when he’s about to strangle the unsuspecting heroine. And yet, even with this vague misgiving, I obediently turned and faced the.
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