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. I never talked about her because ... I'd let those memories go. I locked them away. I loved her so much, Kira ... I loved Jackie..."Kira was quiet a moment. "Jackie ... like ... Jacqueline?" Yes..." I whispered."From the letter..." Yes..." I thought ... she was your girlfriend..." She was," I admitted between sobs, "she was my everything..."More quiet followed as I cried. I could feel Kira trembling beside me and became aware that she was also crying. I managed to slide an arm around her waist and held her against me."So," she said gently, "you do understand..." Yes..." I love you, Mom ... I'm sorry I asked about her..." No, Kira, no. No, I ... I needed to remember. I needed to think about her again. She's been lost to me for so long..."I'm not lost anymore, Penelope.My head shot up and looked around. "Jackie?"I'm not lost anymore."Mom?" Kira's voice broke in."What? Did you ... did you hear anything?" You said, 'Jackie'," Kira replied.I knew then that I'd been imagining everything.. I ran all the way through the city until finally collapsing at the front concrete streets of my house. I remember the feelings I felt afterwards. Not the scared, humilated feeling I had felt ten seconds after getting fucked, but the feeling of need and lust. Like I need a black man to dominate me and use me as his sex toy. The need to feel the enourmous girth and length of a big black cock inside me. The lust to feel the pounding of a black mans balls on my ass and the light prickle of his pubic hairs scraping my asshole. Those are the feelings I felt as I laid in my bathroom, finger fucking myself restlessly. Wanting a black man to come in, bend me over, and have his way with me for as long as he desires. Those feelings escalated to the point where I convinced myself I need it, or I will slowly fall into a nothingless pit of emotion, and dread. That is why we find ourselves in our current situation. Me trying attempting to pull a black man over in his car, bribe him, telling him.
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