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Daddy kept buying me dolls and stuffed toys and other girlie things for my birthday and Christmas. I put some of them on the shelves in my room and the rest I smuggled to school and sold to my girlfriends. He also kept buying me dresses and girlie clothes. I made a habit of wearing them to soccer practice. It only took him about a season and a half to surrender and start buying me boy's jeans. By the time second grade came, I only owned two dresses. One of them was a long black one with long sleeves and a high collar that I wore to Uncle Saul's funeral and Christmas Mass. The other dress was a light blue dress that stopped at my knees. It was frilly, lacey, and I hated it. I only wore it to Easter Mass once before I hit my growth spurt. Thank God for hormones! When Easter came around in 1982, the damned thing was too tight and I got to throw it away.I really think daddy began to realize that with mommy gone and no women around to interact with me, he was slowly watching me become a. I wanted him to leave his hand prints on my neck and on my chest. I wanted to lift my shirt and see that he was once there. That he had broken me and bruised me. That he had used my body for every filthy fucking thing he wanted. The radio suddenly became clear. The DJ was shouting about best hits and what was going to be played next and I noticed my cigarette had burned to the filter. I tossed it out the window and realized I had made it to a whole new town in a matter of minutes. The sun was starting to fade into the clouds. Snuggling into the horizon and bleeding orange and pinks into the sky. It was getting late and I needed a place to crash. I drove through some small town until I came upon an old motel. The sea green paint was chipping on the building, and the neon “Open” light was blinking like Vegas. This place looked too cliché, but I wasn’t about to get picky. Not when I had him in mind. And not when my thoughts were causing me to loose track of time. When I got the room.
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