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Nevertheless, I was surprised. The first time I saw her in the room, I recognized her screenname ("plywoodstarship" - very clever compared to my own lame screenname) because we'd exchanged emails before.I recoiled at the thought of my 14 year old niece chatting around in the smut pits known as the AOL Special Interests category, since I knew, from many conversations with her, that she was basically pretty darn innocent - at least in experiential terms. So the first time I saw her, I made no effort to contact her. But I couldn't shake a certain degree of curiosity. Especially given that that was actually a chat room that I'd had "fun" in myself, a few times in the past. I guess I was intrigued. But I said nothing to her when I saw her several days after I'd seen her, though I looked at her from the corner of my eye with renewed curiosity. And I certainly didn't mention it to my brother.Nevertheless, I did what any nosy, curious person would do - I added her name to my buddy list, and. I don’t want to see you anymore, not as a friend or especially not as a lover.”I knew she’d reject me again, she always does but hearing her say I couldn’t be around her anymore made my heart ache sending waves of anxiety through my chest. Tears welled in my eyes as I imagined a world where I couldn’t even be her lackey. I knew this was a mistake but I know that every time and I just can’t stop. I would do anything to make this feeling of rejection stop. I tried to find words that would let me be around her, just the smell of her skin on a hot summer day is better than any sex I’ve ever had.“I’m sorry, please, I’ll never mention it again. I just need you in my life.”I knew I was lying, I would never be able to stop loving her and I would never be able to stop telling her I loved her but maybe if she would just accept me being her friend next time could be different.“Emily, I don’t even like you. You’re a tag along friend that’s barely tolerable in a group let alone just the two of.
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