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Her son had invited his friends from the swim team over for the afternoon and Jan had promised that she would stay in the background and give his friends some space. When she had taken out the last case of sodas she looked at the boys in their skimpy suits and she was amazed by their hard bodies. They were so young and yet so taut and muscled and she tried not to stare at them but she couldn't help herself they were just so damn virile looking. Hell she could even see their cocks pressed against their Speedo's. When she couldn't stand looking any longer Jan went inside the house and went upstairs where she slipped out of her sundress and wearing just her bra and panties went over to the bedroom window, her right hand caressing her clit as she peeked through the curtains at them. God what she wouldn't give to have one of those boys with her right now?Jan was so deep in her own thoughts and actions that she didn't hear the door to her bedroom ease open or the boy that crossed the room.. I had never been a runner before this, but I'd heard that runners kind of zone out while they run and I desperately wanted to zone out, so I tried it. I didn't zone out, but there were lots of things to distract me, particularly if I ran during rush hour. That's when I started running to and from work, instead of driving my car. Rain or shine, cold or hot, it didn't matter to me. It was something to do that kept me from constantly thinking about my loss.Three years later I was finally able to think about her without crying. I probably should have stayed in therapy a lot longer than I did. Maybe that would have limited my mourning time to a year.Basically though, one day it finally occurred to me that I didn't have a life. I looked around and took stock. In the hotel room I had some clothes and three neatly organized accordion folders of my personal records. I had a few books. I swapped books at the local used book place, or got them from the library, so I didn't own that many. I.
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