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I had no idea what to say, but I’d given her the opening.I wasn’t surprised when she came in about ten minutes later.“You figured it out?”“No. I had no clue. Melanie, Jennifer, and Joyce hit me over the head with what I’ve always been missing.”“And?”“As long as you aren’t asking right now, we’re fine.”“No. Not now. I don’t know when, but I will ask. And?”“Like I said, don’t ask now. I’m still a bit freaked out by it. No, strike that, a lot freaked out by it.”“Don’t be.”“It’s not that easy, Squirt.”“Sure it is, if you aren’t a ‘dumb boy’ like you said.”I just shook my head. She smiled and left, shutting the door behind her.At least now, I could write in my journal about it. Maybe that was the best way to communicate my confusion and my serious reservations to her. It was safe, given I could be very sure of what I wrote, versus a conversation that could quickly go off the rails. One thing was certain, I was glad my friends had clued me in. I would have had a complete freak-out if. I just felt so stupid and ashamed." It wasn't your fault, Tanya." I know. I don't blame myself for what happened. But now I just keep thinking about it all the time. It's like a year later." I graduated when I was just turning 17 and got a job right away."Thinking about it in what way?"I think he was smart enough to know that a girl, even a good girl like me, might think about something like that in very different ways.I giggled nervously. I'm sure that I blushed to. "I think about it in a bad way, a wicked, sinful way. I can't help it. I pray and pray and pray, but still I . . ." You get wet, wet between your legs, when you think about?" Yes." I whispered that one word."You kind of wish that something like that would happen again?" Yes." I realized that I was whispering in a little girl voice."Do you masturbate when you think about it or think about it when you masturbate?"I didn't answer that one, didn't say anything."Do you ever ride the bus at night, hoping that it will happen.
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