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I'd already moved much of my clothing into Sarah's closet to keepfrom interrupting Madison when I got ready each morning. I had alsotaken the few things that I didn't want to live without and they madeSarah's room feel more like my own. It felt odd to consider it my roomfor the week, or at least for the four days I had until my operation.I'd be in the hospital for most of the week afterward.After taking a shower, I stepped into Sarah's room to get dressed.Julia, my image consultant, had decided that I should dress similarly tohow I was dressed during the concert, but with a more expensive edge. Wehad decided on a pair of jeans and a very stylish off-white, almostcream top that wasn't quite a tank, but still left my shoulders bare. Itwas also made of a silky material, was fitted, and had an intricategolden weave about an inch toward the bottom that really set it apartfrom the dark-washed jeans. We topped it off with a pair of matchingheeled boots that were mostly hidden under the cut. You are the face to my pain and God is there pain. I try to communicate but I have no voice. You tell me I have a tube in my throat. No shit Sherlock! What, you think perhaps I hadn’t noticed? I cough and it hurts and you rush to my side to suppress the spasms racking my chest. I want to grab you and crush your simpering face but my arms are restrained, strapped to the cold and impersonal rails of the bed. ‘Fuck you!’ I want to scream. Immobile and impotent, helpless to express the anger inside me I see you smile. You are not afraid. You’ve seen me, other me’s, before. Why do you do this job? A shot of something in my drip. Bitch! Suppression. Oppression. You are willing me to die but taunt me by keeping my body alive. This IS me. Stop! Harder to concentrate. I can’t think. Bitch. Helpless and angry, a pitiful combination. And you just walk away. 27 June I gaze down the garden path and across to the trees beyond the pond. Sunlight and birdsong. I try to feel something. Anything..
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