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I didn’t mind their lovey-doveyness at all, just the opposite. I was grateful, grateful, to finally see my big sister happy. I could hear how happy he made her almost every other night, when I could hear unmistakable moans from her room instead of heartbreaking sobs.Looking back, that must have been the happiest time of my life.But it wasn’t meant to last.The signs were everywhere. Despite Sarah’s happiness, despite her love to Kyle, I could see the cracks in the foundation of their relationship. Or better, hear them. One fateful night, the night after my eighteenth birthday, when the moans coming through the wall suddenly sounded suspiciously like “Lars”. I was lying there, in my bed, still a little tipsy from the party, from my very first beers. And I heard Sarah moan my name in lustful moans. Once. Twice. Trice.It scared me. Scared the shit out of me.But I would lie if I’d say it didn’t give me a rock-hard boner.I pretended, that nothing had happened. Like I always did. And I. Then she said, ‘OK, this is pretty tame stuff, right? I’m sure you must have some special video (or more than one or a slew of them) that ‘does it for you!’ You know, something that you like to jerk off to when the fancy strikes you.’ ‘Uh, well,’ I had stammered, ‘I guess I have done some editing, just showing the bits that turn me on, but I’m not sure how you’ll feel about them. You’ll probably think I’m a perv.’ So there we were. Simone seemed upset, but I couldn’t tell exactly what had set her off. The last thing I wanted was for her to feel like I was a sexist pig. For what it was worth, I didn’t think of myself as one. Often, though, the sexist or the racist or the bigot of any sort is the last to admit or even to know it. Could I be ‘that guy?’ What they used to call a male chauvinist pig? At that moment, my feelings were truly mixed. Part of me was somewhat confused about my potential as a misogynist. Did I really love or hate women? I’d thought I’d always been honest and open.
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