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“It was cowgirl you imagined, wasn’t it? I didn’t do that with Guy but it’s a great idea.”Cowgirl it was. Knowing the cameras were running made the whole thing intense, and not totally in a good way. I was competing with myself because I knew that if I watched Ellen on this movie we were making, I’d be watching myself too. Was I any good. Was I as good as Guy? What did that even mean?Fundamentally, it came down to size. I’ve read all that stuff about how you use it being as important as how big it is but if it’s too small can it ever be good enough? My problem was that I had no idea, well nothing to compare with. I had a tape measure, doesn’t everyone, and there’s those graphs on the internet that tell me I’m bigger than average but that’s not the point.Was I bigger than Guy? I’d seen the breakfast video of Ellen working on him but he was three-quarters side on and below the horizontal from the camera. What with Ellen’s hair in the way and the foreshortening there was no way I could. He insisted on paying. He was, after all, a working man."I'm making so much I won't even feel it," he argued."You're only working for the summer," I countered."Yes, but it's based on a really high salary." Well, young man, my trust fund compensates me amply, and it works while you're sleeping." That makes me feel like a kept man." Good," I said. "Just as long as you realize this obligates you to stay with me." The price of a good meal has really gone up," he said. "But I suppose it's a price I'm willing to pay."He sounded so reluctant I hadn't realized how well he could act.Somewhere along the way we had added a dimension I had never experienced before with a man. Not only had the conditions never been right, but I doubt any of them had the capacity. Jeff did.We were playful. We could jump in and out of roles and attitudes and anachronisms at will. We seemed to instinctively pick up what the other was doing. It felt like being a kid and an adult at the same time.Jeff was so good at.
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