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They were the speedos I would have worn to the pool had it been open.Just stripping down to my little red speedo was getting me excited about what was about to happen.Feeling pretty close to naked, I walked up stairs to the living area and I was taken aback. Adam and Alex had setup their kitchen table as a full on office with proper office chairs, 5 big monitors in total and it looked great (they both have office jobs). In the spirit of working from a home office, Alex and Adam were both wearing full business suits. I felt a little under dressed in my red speedo.After a brief greeting Adam asked where my goggles were? He said that this is replacing my swimming routine so I should do it properly.I didn’t bring my swimming goggles.They must have expected my response, from across the room, Adam threw me a pair of goggles and a swimming cap. I don’t usually wear a swimming cap (my hair is cut pretty short) but I put it on and the goggles. I felt a little bit silly but I was. He’s right to have pushed me away the way he has. ******** I can’t explain how those long months when I was seeing Brian seem so unreal to me. It was as if I had pillows for shoes–the ground didn’t feel solid under my feet, except that…at the same time, in my head, I saw me walking down the edge of an endless razor blade. It was like if I made the slightest misstep, I would cut my feet to ribbons…and I would fall…and then I would die. That was how I saw my life. How do I explain the fog that filled my mind for so long? I couldn’t think. I couldn’t reason. When Mark talked to me, all I heard were incomprehensible sounds that were lost in the screeching noises already filling me. I wanted to hear him but I could not. It’s so very hard to remember the things I did. I try, I need to comprehend them so I can get better but there’s nothing to hold on to. Everything that went on in those days…in the months, they feel like they happened to someone else…except I was there…watching me do.
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