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In your half awake half asleep state you can’t understand why the sun is so strong at 6:30 in the morning. Like a bolt of lighting it hits you. Your head snaps toward the alarm clock, the display is not lit.“Shit, the power company must want their money too.” You mutter.You reach for the phone on your end table, before you can pick it up it rings. You have a bad feeling.You answer in a slightly nervous tone, “Hello.”“Jane, Hi its Joan from the office”“Joan, I was just calling, the power company shut me off last night and I over slept.”“Well hun, I’m afraid you day isn’t going to get any better. Ben just told me to call you and tell you not to bother coming in….ever….I’m sorry.”“Well, it was great working with you Joan” You say trying not to sound too depressed.“Yeah, you too, again, I’m sorry, good luck with every thing Jane.”Forty minutes later you are walking through the doors of Flieshman Pharmaceuticals. The floor to ceiling windows make the lobby extremely bright. As you move. I don't want to look at New York and think about New York, I want to do New York. I don't want to think about being here, I want to be here. I don't want..." I paused, hearing myself go in all directions, and I took a breath and slowed down. I said with difficulty, "I don't want later, I want now. It won't do any good later. Sometimes... sometimes I think I've never done anything I wanted, and I want to do it all at once, everything at once. And I end up not doing anything."I had to stop myself. I was on the verge of telling her I wanted her, Martha, and Martha Jane, now, always, and I wanted to be older now and successful now and out of Memphis now. But I couldn't go that far. I kissed her neck. I whispered, "Your neck feels good. And it feels so good with me in your -- inside you. I feel so --"I stopped. I was suddenly overcome with the strangest, most nonsensical, most idiotic fear I'd known in years. I had a sudden, flashing vision of family, nuns, aunts, rules, frowns, gasps of.
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