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“So you think it’s okay to tell me to give you an affirmation, but since that’s not possible, you’re simply ‘sorry’?” I clarified.““Yes Master,” was Karen’s short response.“Who the fuck are you and where’d my wife go?” I was instantly pissed off. “First, you don’t fucking tell me anything I didn’t specifically ask to be told. You certainly don’t TELL me to give you affirmations! They benefit you but you beg for them if you think you need one but generally I choose to give you one or not! Secondly, it’s no longer up to you to decide WHEN they’re appropriate. Thirdly, you don’t look even a little sorry! When did you get to last apologize while you were standing, hmmm?” I asked the last question much like I’d heard her ask one of the kids something when she wanted them to feel small.Karen dropped instantly to her knees, put her hands behind her head and spread her thighs wide. “I’m sorry, Master! It’s your choice when, if and how I receive an affirmation, of course! Should I strip,. So the sitting and thinking part was already there.The problem was that all I could think about were the people, including kids, who were the inevitable side effect of combat operations. I grieved for them all, but the ones who I caused were the ones who haunted me. I couldn’t get away from the torment of guilt, no matter what Mother Superior Mary tried to do to teach me.I went through a whole year of that before, one day, I felt the guilt just fade away. It was as if the guilt was water drops, and the sun made them evaporate, except it happened faster than sunlight would dry a swimmer.I thought it was God, answering my prayers. Maybe he did, and just used a “hug” from Bobby Wilson to do it.The problem with the concept of God’s grace is that even after the priest says you are forgiven, sometimes you don’t feel worthy of that forgiveness. And while the pain of guilt had vanished, the memories of what caused that guilt had not.So the guilt came back. It wasn’t as bad as before, but it.
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