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“Yes.”And so we went to the reception. Chloe and the wedding party were taking pictures outside when we arrived. She waved me over and we started posing.At some point, my mom pulled me away. She looked upset. “Will you come over to dinner this Sunday? Chloe and Greg won’t be there.”I opened my mouth to say no. Not without Patrick. I wanted my parents to understand he was a part of me. But at the same time, I missed Mom and Dad. They were a part of me, too, and I couldn’t blame them for needing to adjust.I nodded.Mom was thrilled. “Really?! Oh, wonderful. I’ll make your favorite, okay?”“Make whatever you want,” I laughed. “I’ll still come.”She was called by the photographer and rushed over. I looked for Patrick and spotted him a good distance away, talking to Chloe.I watched them talk. Chloe wasn’t crying or saying anything cruel. Patrick was polite. I wondered what they were saying. Then I decided it wasn’t any of my business.He came back to me a little while later. “Closure,” he. I considered theblack pants, my last pair of pants, but couldn't bring myself too wearthem. Instead I gravitated toward a dark blue dress that I foundhanging in the closet. I put it on, feeling more comfortable in it.I saw myself in my mirror and saw that my hair was a mess and couldn'tstand the idea of it staying messy. I brushed it for a while until itwas completely straightened out. I wanted to style it into somethingdifferent, but didn't know how, so I just kept it as was.Then it hit me exactly what I was thinking. I thought about it andrealized that I wanted to be a girl, wanted to be feminine. I felt likeI was betraying myself, giving in. While having my old male thoughtsback put me at odds with my body, at least I was content with who I wasinside. Now it was the opposite and the internal conflict was far worsethan the other one had ever been.I tried to focus my thoughts, try to realign them with my old male wayof thinking. When I thought about being a boy, having a penis and.
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