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I closed the door behind me and I started to panic about what I had done. Did this make me gay? Was everyone right about that? I was so excited that I hadn't even noticed my dick was standing on end. I had to get this all out. I hopped on my bed and masturbated. I thought about how he handled me and made me do whatever he asked. I felt like a slut the way he demeaned me but I think I liked it in a way. I masturbated and blew my load into a fresh napkin. It was the biggest one I had ever had and I passed out immediately after.---Shortly after my first experience with another man, I found myself walking around my house in women's clothes. I couldn't explain it but it somehow made me feel more alive and like my life made more sense. I couldn't be satisfied with just the clothes I had purchased. I wanted more but I wasn't well off to go buy whatever I wanted so I found myself sneaking into my mom's room to peruse her clothes. Not in a sexual way but I thought I could get some ideas on. She feared what that might mean for our daughter if her defenses weakened, if only for a moment. To get back together now, after the sacrifices she had to make, would be to admit she was wrong. That would mean her sacrifice was in vain. We cried together for our lost child. We cried for the loss of innocence. I comforted her, saying it was entirely my fault. She had done what any loving mother would do and put the safety of her child before her own emotional needs. We walked in silence down the tree-lined streets, holding each other’s hand, each grieving in our inner solitude. We spoke of what happened the day I died. Why she left before I awoke (three days later). The devastation I faced due to her absence. I told her what memories my Swiss cheese brain had of the events of that fateful day, and we walked on. She spoke of the ultimate joy she felt as new life grew inside her and the crushing loneliness she felt because she couldn’t trust me to share the experience with. She spoke of.
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