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It seemed cruel. And wrong. And just compounded mysuffering.I dared not tell Kristi these were the awful reflections I had, againgiven she was 9 weeks pregnant herself.Things just seemed so despairingly desperate.It was true what I told her. I had completely lost my purpose forbeing. Primarily as a result of the events of today, but partlybecause of what had already transpired. Still, trying to heed herwords I began to speculate what the future did in fact hold for menow!I grasped at the potential positives.I could continue nursing, which was my vocation, and gave me a highlevel of fulfillment.I could possibly still have children in future.I could find someone new. Zac Smith showed me how easy that could be;too easy perhaps. It didn't feel that way now, but there may well be atime when it's what I want.But trapped in this moment I truly couldn't see beyond it, and feltstrongly that it would have just been better for everyone if I hadhave died.There seemed to be no end to my infinite. She asked about how the furniture moving had gone, and I almost drew a blank. Just then, Jo shrieked from upstairs and I remembered that I had 'helped her move furniture' that week and made up a lie on the spot about moving her bed around so she could see out the back yard better and how she had helped me move the box springs and mattress. She asked what I had done last night, and it was another one of those moments, as my mind immediately flashed to Connie and I dry humping in the front seat, but I just said we went to the dance. And yeah, I dropped off the electric bill, and got an A on my math test, and passed the American history exam okay, and all the rest of the week in review stuff that mom asked about. Finally she asked to talk to Kathy and I said I'd go get her, as she had a new Beatles album and she and Johanna were upstairs playing it and I doubt if she'd be able to hear me if I just yelled up the stairs, as she had it cranked up. Mom said she thought it was the radio in.
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