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My work day was overloaded - like usual, I dropped my coffee and stained my shirt, ripped a stocking and the guy I've been trying to be semi-serious with is only interested in having a lay. Now, after being unable to decompress on my own, I'm sitting here on my couch with a bottle of Chardonnay and my largest - and favorite of late - wine glass while I try to write away my sorrows and frustrations. So, here goes: My life feels like a giant mess pile in a contractor trash bag that I keep dragging behind me with no hope for the heaviness of its stress to lighten. I haven't gotten over my last break up yet - sad, I know - and it's just making me feel like I'm the most worthless person on the planet. I keep playing through what I did or where I went wrong but I keep coming blank then swap into these horrible bouts of self-loathing for not doing better at whatever the fuck was wrong. I keep thinking of him too. What he might be doing right now and constantly wondering if he is thinking. Sullivan and I had clear memories of being raised a perfectly normalyoung girl. Well, except for being blind in my left eye. I hadmemories of being quite a tom-boy growing up too. Playing with wormsand doing all the rough and tumble stuff.And as I was sitting there trying to figure out what was out of place,the name Joshua popped into my head. I had an imaginary childhoodfriend named Joshua, but hadn't thought of him in years. Why did he popinto my head all of a sudden?And the more I thought of him, the more I realized that this was a lotmore. I started to remember being raised as a young boy as well. Verysimilar memories of me growing up as a girl, but definitely a boy.By the time the game was over, I had a lot on my mind trying to figureout these two persons in my head. When my parents picked me up, thecoaches told them I had been hit in the helmet with a line drive and tokeep an eye on me. The first thing they asked me was if I was alright,and I said yea, I was perfectly.
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