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Walking around the house aimlessly, I find myself walking into the bedroom where we spent our last few hours together. Bed sheets lay in a tangle, the smell of him still lingering in the air from his recent shower. I lie down on his side of the bed and snuggle my face into his pillow taking a deep breath in, remembering our last week. God I miss him already. How can he stand this life? Going from one mistress to another? One city to another? Leaving me here, time and time again?I get up from the bed, unable to lie there any longer without breaking down and crying myself raw. I walk out of the bedroom, back into the lounge and sit down. I pick up the remote and turn the stereo on low. Garth Brooks croons to me through the speakers. " ... broncs and the blood, steers and the mud..." I turn off the stereo, too distressed to listen to Garth singing about the very thing that has taken my heart away from me. I laugh mirthlessly, Mama always told me never to fall in love with a bull rider. While I’d still be languishing writing my never ending book, should they marry, they’d be living the good life, high on the hog. ‘God help me. I hated being so jealous,’ I thought while unable to help myself from being so possessive. ‘Why am I doing this to myself by imagining things?’ As if they were the bachelor and bachelorette, I imagined them making out in the backseat of a helicopter. I imagined them living together in a seedy Alaskan hotel or Exxon renting them a house while they were there working, fucking, and sucking. I imagined them having sex. I couldn’t help myself from not imagining them having sex. It didn’t matter where I imagined them having sex, it was bad enough that I imagined them having sex. Even though I had his engagement ring on my finger and even though I was now officially his fiancé, to say that I was jealous would be a huge understatement. I was murderously livid. For me to be hung up thinking about this, I must have been picking up on something coming.
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